My final resting place

Why is the toilet in the middle of the living room as if I am not going to notice? April tells me it is an open concept.

For the past several weeks I’ve wanted to punch that realtor.com lady on the tv and I have a serious love hate relationship with Jeff Goldblum as well. I don’t think you understand, the house I’m living in is quite alright but I would like a permanent place. While searching through the listings, there are more lies than coming out of any political party right now.

Don’t tell me its a 6 bedroom 5 bath when in actuality it’s two trailers on a lot. I always assume the water heater will stay with the residence. Don’t list it as a perk. One listing read, “Huge family room with a stone wall fireplace where you, your family and A guest can enjoy making happy memories.” Don’t assume I only have one friend. I call up April and I tell her to get on Facebook immediately so we can discuss the lies.

“Woman, pull up the message I just sent you.”

“Rachel, can I get a glass of wine?”

I send April a link to a house with all kinds of ugly, cheap, doo-doo brown panelling and lime green, Grandma valances.

I ask April what in the hell is up with all the panelling.

She replies with, “It’s probably covering up all the mold and the fact that they didn’t want to paint again. Like ever.”

She shoots me a house and proceeds to say, “There’s no central air or a garage. How do you like that? Redeeming quality is the hot tub is on the side of the house where the neighbor kids can see you.”

“Ronin would like that it’s near the gun range.” My husband hates golf clubs but loves a gun range. “Nope, it was flooded. Did I tell you about the open house I went to today?”

“No! Rachel! You know I love coming and making the realtor cry! Ugggh next time let me know.”

“Woman, let me tell you how it looked so nice. Master down, decent sized kitchen. The realtor calls it an open concept. Why would she say that when it has four walls and each wall has a port hole window to other rooms in the house? Then we go upstairs. The realtor shows me bedrooms one and two then calls the third the cat room. When I turn to look there are about nine cat litter boxes in one room. She laughed and I was horrified. I told her I was sorry but I have to leave immediately as I am allergic to cats. This hooker had the nerve to tell me the these cats did not have dander that would set off an allergic reaction. WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT? That needs to be a disclaimer in the listing!”

April is laughing hysterically not because she knows my allergy to cats is severe, but because she knows that I would push that bitch down the stairs to get the hell out of there to get to my epi-pen. Bitch, I have 3 minutes then I need someone to call an ambulance!

The search continues…

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